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de pila baculare
Attention, hockey coaches! When the game begins, pull the OTHER team’s goalie. This should make it easier to score.
Our Last Few Tiny Tweaks Before the Website Launch
(This piece sucks so bad, but content’s content. Enjoy!)
de barritu
The most popular jazz act at the zoo is Elephant Sgerald.

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  • de pila baculare

    Attention, hockey coaches! When the game begins, pull the OTHER team’s goalie. This should make it easier to score.

  • Our Last Few Tiny Tweaks Before the Website Launch

    Hey WebSolutions Team,

    Wow! Everyone here at McKenzie Recruiters was so impressed by the latest draft of the website redesign! Even our Senior Partner, Heather McKenzie, whose own mother founded this place, got excited. And when Heather’s excited, we’re excited! 

    Having been here for 10 years, I cannot overstate the importance of keeping Heather McKenzie happy. If you let her down well… You know what, let’s not even go there. The important thing is she loves the site. So, gold star for WebSolutions!

    There’s just a couple, super-small things; shouldn’t be a big deal. Consider these our last few tiny tweaks before the launch!

    So, some quick backstory: as you obviously know by now, McKenzie Recruiters is a family business. It was founded by Margaret McKenzie, along with her husband, Al. Pretty soon, their daughter, Heather, though only a teenager at the time, joined the firm as Senior Recruiter – they pulled her out of high-school and everything. Academia’s loss was the recruiting sector’s gain, I suppose.

    As for me, I’m the only non-McKenzie here. I take care of the various day-to-day office tasks, in exchange for $18 an hour, 40 hours a week, 10 years of my life: so, for example, I help when Heather is trying to send an email, use the photocopier, or overnight some Zara pumps to her house. (Believe me, I won’t forget her postal code ever again, haha. Not after last time.)

    All that’s to say: McKenzie Recruiters is a family business and, in that spirit, we recently brought on Heather’s 16-year-old daughter, Amanda, as social media intern. Like her mother, Amanda’s professional abilities were being wasted at school: apparently she got caught networking with Brayden from homeroom on more than occasion. What a go-getter! 

    And so, with our crack team assembled, Heather McKenzie, Amanda McKenzie and I held some productive meetings. I conducted the site walkthrough. Amanda offered some critical feedback while glued to her phone. Heather’s face turned various hues of purple and red. Like I said, productive. 

    Here’s what we came up with:

    For the home page, Heather was this close to signing off on it when Amanda said “This sucks.” I asked if she can elaborate. Amanda helpfully explained: “One: It sucks. Two: Fix it. Three: Aren’t you the secretary or something? Why are you even talking?” Pretty clear, right? Not only for the website but also why I cry so much. Anyway, please have another look at the Home page. Heather McKenzie is convinced it “sucks” and spent the rest of the meeting screaming at me. Her face turned periwinkle.

    At the next meeting, Amanda had yet another brilliant, nuanced suggestion! I know, right? The girl’s so wise she’s basically a modern-day Athena, if Athena had cold sores. So anyway, Amanda was explaining that millennials love photo-sharing apps. Well, maybe not “explaining.” When I asked her to turn off Instagram for a second and pitch in, she instead offered helpful tips like “Ew, look at Kelly’s beach body,” “Greg’s so hot, it’s stupid,” and “Awww, puppy!” Heather McKenzie, in an feat of translation to rival Pevear and Volokhonsky, took this to mean the site needs more photos. Oh, and less text. Way less text.  Cut all the text. Heather screamed at me how much money I wasted when a picture’s worth a thousand words. Her face turned mauve.

    Okay, for the next thing, don’t get mad! I know we signed off on the logo after, like, 200 revisions. Well, Heather was so impressed with Amanda’s knowledge of the millennial consumer mindset that she asked her about the logo and, suffice it to say, Amanda was not feeling it. Her eyes rolled so far back into her head, I feared someone had laced her Red Bull with Clorox and I wondered if that’s traceable. 

    Luckily, she recovered – poor thing – and I ran a brainstorming session with them about what our logo should say about us. Here’s the list. Feel free to chisel it in stone tablets so that such wisdom may pass down through the ages:

    Heather

    • Recruiting
    • People
    • Integrated Solutions

    Amanda

    • Kendall Jenner
    • Kylie Jenner
    • Integrated Solutions

    Heather screamed that when customers need solutions, they don’t want a so-so integrator, they don’t even want a very good integrator, they want the absolute best integrator! “The Integratest,” I suggested, helpfully. Fuscia.

    Wow, WebSolutions, I think that’s it, those are our last few, super-simple tweaks before the launch. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed living it. Might I suggest Xanax as a chaser? We’re all so excited to celebrate McKenzie Recruiters’ new website. Heather even asked me to pick up some champagne on my lunch, with my own credit card of course. (“We pay you too much anyway,” she reassured me.) Something strong and bold, she said, just like the McKenzies.  Which I don’t mind, I had errands to run anyways. We’re nearly out of Clorox.

  • de barritu

    The most popular jazz act at the zoo is Elephant Sgerald.

  • Celebrity Pets for the Budget-Conscious

    Hey there, folks, Gary here from Gary’s Discount Pets! Looking for the next Lil’ Bub but don’t wanna break the bank? Come on down to Gary’s Discount Pets! We’ve got something for fans of all the classic celebrity pets!

    Take Grumpy Cat. With her pouty face and funny captions, she took the world of memes by storm. Grumpy Cat is gone now, but act today and grab one of our unattractive felines to take her place: Miserable Cat, Self-Pitying Cat and Ungrateful Cat are ready to pout on your social media.

    But that’s not all! At Gary’s Discount Pets, we’ve got all sorts of critters with pejorative adjectives: Petulant Fish, Disappointed Snake, and Hangry Worm can be yours today!

    Looking for something a little more exciting? Friend, Diarrhetic Dog has your name written all over him – and check out our fine selection of mops!

    But let’s not forget the great Lil’ Bub. Though this tiny cutie has also left us, that just means there’s a Bub-sized hole in our hearts. What makes our uniquely-sized cats different at Gary’s Discount Pets? Morbid obesity! We’ve got cats like L’rge Jub, Real’y Big Lub, Unbeliev’bly Huge Gub just waiting to fill your Instagram.

    And as a bonus, all three of these cats also stick out their tongue! Admittedly, with Lub it’s only when he sees that Phoebe Cates scene from Fast Times, but still… – act today for 50% off!

    Remember Keyboard Cat? Want a Keyboard Cat of your very own? For one easy down-payment, you can be the new owner of: Ukulele Turtle, Tom-Tom Rat, or Theremin Roach. Or buy all three and get a band! (They’re like early Style Council meets Kraftwerk.) Act today and we’ll even throw in MC Hamster.

    So pay us a visit at Gary’s Discount Pets! Your one-stop shop for cheap pets you can monetize. It’s like being a stage mom whose child is a deformed cat. See you soon!

Wisdom

  • de pila baculare

    Attention, hockey coaches! When the game begins, pull the OTHER team’s goalie. This should make it easier to score.

  • Our Last Few Tiny Tweaks Before the Website Launch

    Hey WebSolutions Team,

    Wow! Everyone here at McKenzie Recruiters was so impressed by the latest draft of the website redesign! Even our Senior Partner, Heather McKenzie, whose own mother founded this place, got excited. And when Heather’s excited, we’re excited! 

    Having been here for 10 years, I cannot overstate the importance of keeping Heather McKenzie happy. If you let her down well… You know what, let’s not even go there. The important thing is she loves the site. So, gold star for WebSolutions!

    There’s just a couple, super-small things; shouldn’t be a big deal. Consider these our last few tiny tweaks before the launch!

    So, some quick backstory: as you obviously know by now, McKenzie Recruiters is a family business. It was founded by Margaret McKenzie, along with her husband, Al. Pretty soon, their daughter, Heather, though only a teenager at the time, joined the firm as Senior Recruiter – they pulled her out of high-school and everything. Academia’s loss was the recruiting sector’s gain, I suppose.

    As for me, I’m the only non-McKenzie here. I take care of the various day-to-day office tasks, in exchange for $18 an hour, 40 hours a week, 10 years of my life: so, for example, I help when Heather is trying to send an email, use the photocopier, or overnight some Zara pumps to her house. (Believe me, I won’t forget her postal code ever again, haha. Not after last time.)

    All that’s to say: McKenzie Recruiters is a family business and, in that spirit, we recently brought on Heather’s 16-year-old daughter, Amanda, as social media intern. Like her mother, Amanda’s professional abilities were being wasted at school: apparently she got caught networking with Brayden from homeroom on more than occasion. What a go-getter! 

    And so, with our crack team assembled, Heather McKenzie, Amanda McKenzie and I held some productive meetings. I conducted the site walkthrough. Amanda offered some critical feedback while glued to her phone. Heather’s face turned various hues of purple and red. Like I said, productive. 

    Here’s what we came up with:

    For the home page, Heather was this close to signing off on it when Amanda said “This sucks.” I asked if she can elaborate. Amanda helpfully explained: “One: It sucks. Two: Fix it. Three: Aren’t you the secretary or something? Why are you even talking?” Pretty clear, right? Not only for the website but also why I cry so much. Anyway, please have another look at the Home page. Heather McKenzie is convinced it “sucks” and spent the rest of the meeting screaming at me. Her face turned periwinkle.

    At the next meeting, Amanda had yet another brilliant, nuanced suggestion! I know, right? The girl’s so wise she’s basically a modern-day Athena, if Athena had cold sores. So anyway, Amanda was explaining that millennials love photo-sharing apps. Well, maybe not “explaining.” When I asked her to turn off Instagram for a second and pitch in, she instead offered helpful tips like “Ew, look at Kelly’s beach body,” “Greg’s so hot, it’s stupid,” and “Awww, puppy!” Heather McKenzie, in an feat of translation to rival Pevear and Volokhonsky, took this to mean the site needs more photos. Oh, and less text. Way less text.  Cut all the text. Heather screamed at me how much money I wasted when a picture’s worth a thousand words. Her face turned mauve.

    Okay, for the next thing, don’t get mad! I know we signed off on the logo after, like, 200 revisions. Well, Heather was so impressed with Amanda’s knowledge of the millennial consumer mindset that she asked her about the logo and, suffice it to say, Amanda was not feeling it. Her eyes rolled so far back into her head, I feared someone had laced her Red Bull with Clorox and I wondered if that’s traceable. 

    Luckily, she recovered – poor thing – and I ran a brainstorming session with them about what our logo should say about us. Here’s the list. Feel free to chisel it in stone tablets so that such wisdom may pass down through the ages:

    Heather

    • Recruiting
    • People
    • Integrated Solutions

    Amanda

    • Kendall Jenner
    • Kylie Jenner
    • Integrated Solutions

    Heather screamed that when customers need solutions, they don’t want a so-so integrator, they don’t even want a very good integrator, they want the absolute best integrator! “The Integratest,” I suggested, helpfully. Fuscia.

    Wow, WebSolutions, I think that’s it, those are our last few, super-simple tweaks before the launch. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed living it. Might I suggest Xanax as a chaser? We’re all so excited to celebrate McKenzie Recruiters’ new website. Heather even asked me to pick up some champagne on my lunch, with my own credit card of course. (“We pay you too much anyway,” she reassured me.) Something strong and bold, she said, just like the McKenzies.  Which I don’t mind, I had errands to run anyways. We’re nearly out of Clorox.

  • de barritu

    The most popular jazz act at the zoo is Elephant Sgerald.

  • Celebrity Pets for the Budget-Conscious

    Hey there, folks, Gary here from Gary’s Discount Pets! Looking for the next Lil’ Bub but don’t wanna break the bank? Come on down to Gary’s Discount Pets! We’ve got something for fans of all the classic celebrity pets!

    Take Grumpy Cat. With her pouty face and funny captions, she took the world of memes by storm. Grumpy Cat is gone now, but act today and grab one of our unattractive felines to take her place: Miserable Cat, Self-Pitying Cat and Ungrateful Cat are ready to pout on your social media.

    But that’s not all! At Gary’s Discount Pets, we’ve got all sorts of critters with pejorative adjectives: Petulant Fish, Disappointed Snake, and Hangry Worm can be yours today!

    Looking for something a little more exciting? Friend, Diarrhetic Dog has your name written all over him – and check out our fine selection of mops!

    But let’s not forget the great Lil’ Bub. Though this tiny cutie has also left us, that just means there’s a Bub-sized hole in our hearts. What makes our uniquely-sized cats different at Gary’s Discount Pets? Morbid obesity! We’ve got cats like L’rge Jub, Real’y Big Lub, Unbeliev’bly Huge Gub just waiting to fill your Instagram.

    And as a bonus, all three of these cats also stick out their tongue! Admittedly, with Lub it’s only when he sees that Phoebe Cates scene from Fast Times, but still… – act today for 50% off!

    Remember Keyboard Cat? Want a Keyboard Cat of your very own? For one easy down-payment, you can be the new owner of: Ukulele Turtle, Tom-Tom Rat, or Theremin Roach. Or buy all three and get a band! (They’re like early Style Council meets Kraftwerk.) Act today and we’ll even throw in MC Hamster.

    So pay us a visit at Gary’s Discount Pets! Your one-stop shop for cheap pets you can monetize. It’s like being a stage mom whose child is a deformed cat. See you soon!

  • Mummy

    Helicopter Mummy

  • The Classics

    I studied the classics in school and where did it get me? That stuff is a bunch of nonsense. Take Zeus, for example. There’s this one story about how Zeus turned into a swan and then had sex with a beautiful maiden. But when I do that, I can’t even get a date. Useless, right?

    Photo from Flickr.


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