Opening

“It’s a privilege to be at this forum, where we focus on the issues of the greatest global significance. The things we discuss here will change the world. [crowd noise; polite applause] Let’s begin…

3 minutes later

“[crowd noise; booing] …And speaking of fake news, by the way, the word fake—great word, right? Many people don’t realize I invented it! True story, I was looking at these letters—‘f’, ‘a’, the other ones—and I said, “What if we used these letters to invent the word ‘fake’?” and now we have this beautiful word, all because of me and my bestness at geniusing. [booing intensifies; mass movement towards exits] Quiet down! Fake boos!

13 minutes later

“…And now we turn to the spectre of North Korea. That’s right, folks, North Korea. Now I don’t know if you saw that documentary about North Korea’s military program like I did, but my administration is deeply, deeply troubled by their use of crouching tigers and hidden dragons. Have you seen these things? [cries of ‘shame!’ and booing; mass movement towards exits] They just jump between trees—just, whoosh, right past your head; scary stuff, folks!…”

6 minutes later

“…And since we’re on the topic of films, I’ve got to get this off my chest: What was John Travolta thinking with Michael?! I mean, the guy’s coming off of Pulp Fiction and Get Shorty and his next project’s a failing rom-com about an angel on Earth? Not good! People are saying he carried goofy Gabe Kaplin through many seasons of failing Welcome Back Kotter, but take it from me, folks, Michael is a total dog of a picture! [curses; booing; mass movement towards exits] But as I was saying about North Korea…”

21 minutes later

“…And in closing, I’d like to say goodnight to all you wonderful people with a prayer:

“Goodnight, Davos. Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight, teleprompter. Goodnight, podium. Goodnight, mountains and goodnight, fountains. Goodnight, Switzerland. Goodnight, watches. Goodnight, fancy chocolates in gold-leaf boxes. Goodnight, World Economic Forum. Goodnight, leaders. Goodnight, Michael starring John Travolta, no longer in theatres.

“Well, my friends, I’d love to stick around and discuss these very, very important issues with you all, I really would. But sadly, it’s time for my beddy-bye now and I have to go rest the little person in my head that tells me my thoughts. So, in closing: God bless you! [no crowd noise; crickets; a tumbleweed rolls across the stage] God bless you and God bless the United States of America!”

Aloysius Spooky

Aloysius Spooky

Aloysius Spooky discovered SpookyMag while on safari in the Antarctic. His interests include sinister teas (Beelzebub’s Nectar, e.g.).