FeaturedPosts

David Byrne’s Other Suits

By August 16, 2019 August 22nd, 2019 No Comments

Before perfecting his iconic “big suit,” David Byrne suffered numerous false starts and discarded prototypes.

  1. Three small suits tied together.
  2. Medium Suit, tiny David Byrne.
  3. Too short to ride the roller coaster, David Byrne’s suit wishes to be big. Zoltar speaks: “Your wish is granted.”
  4. Russian nesting suit.
  5. David sneaks into Daddy Byrne’s closet and dresses up in one of his suits. They hang off him in the way grown-ups’ clothes always do. David pretends he’s working at the bank, just like his old man – “Morning, Mrs. Jenkins, what can I do for you today?” Mommy Byrne notices this while passing in the corridor. She smiles. These are the moments you cherish as a parent.
  6. Very large socks.
  7. Giant inflatable bouncy suit, perfect for birthday parties.
  8. Suit of Imperceptibly Peculiar Size. A setback.
  9. A tearful Tina Weymouth grabs David Byrne by the shoulders and pleads with him. “You’re flying too close to the sun, David. Here, try on this normal suit.” “Never!”, he bellows. Tina flees in tears, fearing the worst for her friend.
  10. Frustrated with his progress, David Byrne cries out he’d sell his soul for the perfect “big suit.” A plume of smoke and Mephistopheles appears. In his hand, an offer of suits so impossibly big he can scarcely believe it. David Byrne hesitates, then signs, and just like that, Mephistopheles is gone. A chill runs down David Byrne’s neck, a premonition of the suits he has unleashed.
  11. A very lovely “big suit,” just like David Byrne had always dreamed of. If only Tina could see him now, see what a fool she’d been. But what’s this in the breast pocket? It seems to be… moving? David Byrne reaches in, and recoils in disgust, for in his pocket squirms a bottomless nest of maggots. Woe to David Byrne, undone by his lust for a suit!
  12. A 50-foot tall Debbie Harry, chasing David Byrne to gobble him up. That’s no suit, that’s a monster!
  13. Andy Warhol’s hair, slithering pretentiously. Run, David, run!
  14. Hundreds and hundreds of David Byrnes in a human pyramid doing an a cappella Making Flippy Floppy for all eternity, while Chris, Tina and Jerry dance orgiastically below. David pleads, “I wish I’d never played God with the size of my suit! I’ve learned my lesson! I’ve learned my lesson!”
  15. A suit that’s the big, comfy bed David Byrne wakes up in a cold sweat. Could it have all been just a bad dream? But it was so vivid! So awful! Tormented by visions of demonic suits, David rushes to the garment district looking for answers. He is never seen again.
  16. But in the end, there’s a little David Byrne in the hearts of all the people he touched, and isn’t that the biggest suit of all?

This piece originally ran on Weekly Humorist.