This piece appears in Work It: Quarterly Report, issue 1.


Dress for the job you want. Accessorize for the job you really want. Get a cool hat if you’re a dog, and there’s a swell robot suit here too, I guess.

Work It: Quarterly Report, Issue 01

Haunted Watch

A very spooky time

The world’s first watch with a ghost inside, communicating the wishes of the dead through oscillations of the various hands. (Hour hand; second hand; third hand.) But watch out! When the battery dies, the ghost escapes.

$139

Lucky Tie

Leave the clip-on at home

Look at this happy little guy. He knows the importance of a nice tie. Now in sports, do you want a tie? No, you want to win. So be a winner in life, with a tie. (Life is different from sports, in this regard.) Just like this cheery fella.

$255

Designer Hat

Hats are for dogs only

Hats are no longer off-limits in the workplace. In fact, they’re actually very popular. (Only for dogs, though.) Grab one of our trendy hats and impress your colleagues. (Not if you’re a person. Only dogs. See photo.)

$79


Fashion Advice

Gerardo Ricardo
Fashion icon

Don’t listen to that stupid Ricardo. He has no idea what he’s talking about. Do the opposite of what he says. When he zigs, you zag. When he zags? You guessed it: zig. His advice is so very bad. When you get the chance, please kill him.

Ricardo  Gerardo
Also fashion icon

Don’t listen to that rotten Gerardo. His brain is crammed with stupidity and dirt. Decline his teachings. When he zugs, you zog. What if he zegs? That’s right: zlug. I puke from his advice, 24/7. If you see him, make him die.


Power Suit

State-of-the-art

Thanks to Marvel’s Iron Man, as portrayed by Morton Downey Jr., everybody’s making their own robotic suits these days. Our starter model doesn’t have the bells and whistles of a Compu-Gucci, say, but it does the job. Blorp!

$420

Enemy Bones

Don’t be shy

You’ve vanquished many foes. Go on, flaunt it! Let your colleagues know you take deadlines very seriously. And if they don’t want to meet the wrong end of your Zweihänder (+10, lightning buff), they’d better do the same.

$99

Precious Jewels

The power of gems

Ooh! Shiny! Shimmery! Splendid! Sparkly! Coruscating! Effulgent! Scintillating! Incandescent! Lambent! Look folks, the bottom line is everyone’s a slave to the jewels and the gems. Get yourself some of these, and watch out.

$219

Face Wall

Ultimate confidence-booster

If you need that little extra shot of confidence, make your face into a giant wall. It works every time. (There was an Italian man who claimed it didn’t work, but he had turned his face to a ceiling. Only works with walls.)

$420

Look like cool award

Be made of gold now

Everyone want nice award and feel special. Even Merrl Streepe? Yes, even Merrl Streepe. (Kramer vs. Iron Lady; Sophie vs. Choice; for example.) Well, why don’t you be award? Be made of gold now. Do you see? You are award.

$99

Nothing

You are all alone

There is nothing you can buy. Look at this photo. That is you. Walking in the void, alone, worthless. “But how do I get a raise if I don’t buy something, Work It? Teach me, for I am scum.” Do you think a raise will save you? No!

$219

Comments to: O.K. Consumer

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