“Man, this sandwich is really on a roll!”

John Montagu

“What a rotten barber! I asked for the 'Tonsure' and he gave me the 'Jonathan Taylor Thomas'!! The other monks won't stop laughing at me!”

Bruno of Cologne

“Help settle an argument my wife and I are having. I told her that I'm not happy and want 'da force'. She says the word is 'divorce'. Well?”

Henry VIII

I AM DEAD!! (Of course I am NOT dead - I'm quite well, in fact - though when I do indeed die, this 'tweet' will seem eerily prescient.)


“At the Competitive Drinking game, the crowd showed their frustration by raining down booze.”


Call me old fashioned, but I pride myself in knowing how to treat a woman's ‘bathroom area’.

Giacomo Casanova

Think I'll get a tattoo of a tattoo on my tattoo.

Charles de Gaulle

I watched Avatar while wearing my flesh tinted sunglasses, and switched to my blue tinted sunglasses before I left the theatre. Confusion!

AO Scott

Know I'm knot here to say Knut Hamsun was knuts, but... (what comes 'knext'???).

Alfred Nobel (ghost)

In line at the soup kitchen; pretty sure Robert Smith is in front of me. More ‘uriney’ than in videos. Going to get him to ’graph my bindle.

Nick Kent